Delaware Candidate Unfit

Dear Christine O’Donnell,

Let me speak for ladies everywhere when I say that you have been doing a fine job representing us in your campaign for the Delaware Senate seat. We love the absolutist views on life and the unrelenting support of guns—issues important for all ladies, as we prefer to use revolvers to protect our unborn fetuses. Your campaign has been just gorgeous, if I do say so myself, but I feel it is my duty as a lady to inform you that you could be doing more to accurately represent us.

First, a lady is always considerate of hera off your past in witchcraft—use your satanic connections for good. You say that you never joined a coven—this was a mistake. Are you close with any coven members who could use Satan’s power to help pass favorable legislation? If so, do utilize them for the sake of your fellow ladies.
Second, a lady never has to reaffirm her chastity. Though it is admirable that as a young lady in your thirties, you still remain chaste, why are you proclaiming it? It should already be evident by the bulging metal chastity belt protecting your lady parts.

Third, a lady always avoids science. Though your disgust over controversial experimentation is appropriate, a lady never deduces that scientists are crossbreeding humans and animals and creating mice with functioning human brains. This is not our concern as ladies. Our concern is whether or not to invite these mice-ladies to tea. Do try and forget all of this horrible nonsense; leave the science to the men.

So, my dear Christine, golf claps for all of the excellent work that you have done for we ladies thus far, and good luck to you in the race! Though a proper lady never leaves the home, an exception will be made for you to serve us in Washington. Unfortunately even if I could, I would not vote for you; a true lady never participates in the political process.

Emily Roznowski