I want some comments. My readers must not be part of the facebook generation: they feel no urge to splatter their opinions over the internet. As part of an ongoing effort to incite debate, I have decided to tackle a controversial topic this week. Which one is cuter: kittens or puppies?

I hear your gasps. Yes, this is an incendiary topic, but one that every great writer must tackle in their lifetime. Who could forget Twain’s 1,000 page treatise on the pleasures of dog walking? Or how Sylvia Plath always whispered her most depressing poems into her cat’s ear? (note to reader: do not try to look this up–it’s untrue and was used for dramatic effect). I’m not even going so far as to take sides–all I want is to objectively argue which species of animalius freeloadercus is the cutest.

Let us begin with the feline side of the equation. Though they are not man’s best friend, cats have always been the cliche companion for lonely old maids and spinsters. This is decidedly un-cute, but I can appreciate the cat-woman connection as both a feminist and connoisseur of terrible super hero movies. A cat’s cuteness comes entirely from it’s eyes. Sometimes, they have beautiful, sweet corneas, the kind that beg to be pampered and petted. Others are just plain creepy, solidifying my firm belief that many cats are just re-incarnations of disapproving grandparents.

Dogs, on the other hand, are a lot less complicated. They are cute because they are totally clueless, the same kind of cuteness you would get from a pet valley girl. Dogs are like, totally harmless and energetic, and that gives them a certain amount of harmless lovability. This can be annoying. Just as a constantly wagging tail can get tired after a while, so can a dog’s antics become frustrating. I’m only going to throw a slobber-covered ball so many times before my arm gets tired, and I decide to throw the ball over the fence. There is only so much clueless cuteness you can take.

So, it appears that we have reached an impasse. Both the cat and dog are relatively cute, so I am forced to conclude a kind of pseudo-draw. If both are relatively cute, the only answer seems to be their shared ancestor, a kind of semi-aquatic wolf creature that was the very epitome of adorableness. Surely if cats and dogs were once one, cat and dog lovers can join together as well, learning to love the cute shared traits across the carnivora genus. If you don’t agree, just say so below!