Despite the wonderful amount of information our newspaper provides, I noticed a glaring gap in the knowledge we provide: there are no recipes for fettuccine alfredo, a problem I chose to solve by writing one.

You will need:
1 lb. fettuccine
½ cup butter
2 cloves chopped garlic
2 ½ cups light cream
1 ½ cups grated parmesan cheese
½ teaspoon pepper
A pinch o’ salt
A two minute hourglass
Snap-off pants
Speakers

Bring a gallon of water to boil. Add noodles. Cook for 12 minutes (about three times through Tupac’s “California Love”). Drain and cover.

Meanwhile, we must prepare the mouth-watering sauce that the noodles bathe in. To set the mood, put on Snoop Dogg’s “Drop it Like It’s Hot.” Melt the butter and being sautéing the garlic when the first verse begins.

The verse and the hook after it take about one minute. When the hook is over, add 1 ½ cups of the cream. Switch the song up to Dr. Dre’s “The Next Episode.” Put your snap-off pants on.

The song is about four minutes long, so stir in the fettuccine after it’s over. Add the rest of the cream, cheese, the salt and the pepper. Mix it like a DJ, and switch the song to Eminem’s “Business”. Turn over the hourglass.

When the grains of sand have stopped falling, switch the song for the last time to “Friday” by Ice Cube (don’t worry, everyone knows Jessica Black is a musical abomination).

At the same time as the bull whip at the beginning of the song, whip off your snap-offs and yell out “Irresistibly delicious!” Congratulations, your fettuccini is ready to eat.